There are some things that I can do without.

Nestle, for example, is easy. They’re just total bastards, and they know it. And I can live without kitkats, especially since the last advert – their Christmas special – with wording along the lines of “happy Christmas to all women: now only 97 calories!!!!11!!! ELEVENTY!!1!!”.

And then there are some things that are not so easy.


Like Unilever.

Because Unilever own the Dove brand. And they own Persil.

My sensitive skin means that once I’ve found a brand of shower gel / washing powder that doesn’t make me itchy, sneezy and red, I stick with it. Seriously, because I’ve got worse recently, to the extent that I can now taste perfume in the air. And let me tell you, that stuff was never meant to be tasted. So I can use Dove, and I can use Persil, and I was sticking with them.

And now, I find out that not only do Unilever own Dove and Persil, they also own Lynx and Slim Fast.

(If you are, as I am, easily wound up, don’t go looking at those links. They will send you crazy. Especially if you look first at Lynx, then at Dove. It looks fucking bizarre to see “for women who recognise that beauty isn’t simply about how you look” right after reading “Lynx Vice… designed to turn unsuspecting nice girls naughty.”)

Of course, the traumatized mathematician in me can’t help but notice the “statistic” at the bottom of the lynx page: “53% of men [claim] to use two or more products in the shower”. Seriously? Because that sounds to me like it would be a body wash, and a shampoo. You know, like you’re meant to. This means that 47% of men don’t use those things, or only use one. I really hope that most of that 47% are bald.

I think I’m going to have to go away and kick things.

Bad enough to realise that the same people who try to make Dove look like it’s woman-friendly also air the infuriating “babes will totally just randomly fuck you on the street if you use our pheromones deodorant” adverts, but at least twice as traumatic to realise that it’s those same people who own one of the least appropriately named food substitutes in existance. Worse, they also own Vienetta, Solero, Magnum, Cornetto, Carte D’or and Ben and Jerry’s. Seriously. A dieting product, and six ice cream brands. Oh, and they’ve also got Bertolli, Bovril,Coleman’s, Flora, Hellman’s, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, Marmite, Pepperami and Pot Noodle.

Honestly, I have to say – healthy, nice, tasty food is not their forte. Except perhaps for some of the ice cream.

Luckily, I don’t actually buy a single one of those food brands. Mainly on the grounds that they don’t taste nice. But I’ve still got to wash. And given my general lack of money, and the fact that I’ve just stocked up on washing powder, I suspect that this time I’m stuck with futile rage. Sometimes I think I make it too easy for people to use the “you feminists are so angry” stereotype. Oh, and just in case one stereotype isn’t enough… yes. I am premenstrual.

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